It has been a full 4 or 5 years since I first thought about putting this blog together. Finally, my first attempt in March of 2013 languished after the initial post (If you want to laugh, go take a look at http://livingwithanalcoholicspouse.wordpress.com/). Why did I fail to follow through?
Being overwhelmed is a paralyzing state. Merriam Webster defines Overwhelm as: upset, overthrow, and this is close, but I don’t believe descriptive enough. I would define Overwhelm as a complete sense of being overrun by life, where you are not only paralyzed to act, but fearful of acting and without hope.
With a wife that was first a non-functioning alcoholic, living outside the house, pressured by work, completely focused on maintaining some semblance of normalcy for kids, bills piling up and demands from friends and even family to deliver – one can easily become overwhelmed.
I still find myself in moments of despair, not knowing where to start, not remembering what has to be done, just wanting to be left alone to do nothing for a few minutes, more like hours, more like days at a time. And when you feel like this, the exact same thing happens, nothing! Well perhaps enough to get by, but never enough to make you feel good, to allow you to feel like there is a light at the end of the proverbial tunnel.
And yet, an amazing thing continues to happen, over and over again. A friend shows up, your kids do something really stupid/funny. A brief stroke of luck or blessing from God presents itself. And anyone of these is enough for that spark to re-ignite and get you moving. I think that alcoholics who finally decide to change refer to this as hitting bottom? Mild mannered action hero’s finally just have enough! In both cases, their resolve to take action, to make positive choices, finally kicks in and they act.
And that is what is exactly happening to me now. I have had enough. I have had enough of companies vitriol of caring for employees. I have had enough of banks claiming to care for you as a customer, but then shoving you to the curb as soon as you have an issue. Of friends who are good as long as the time is good, but disappear as soon as you need help.
It is time to stop feeling sorry for myself, and to take control of my life, and my families life and future. To stop feeling whoa is me. To stop feeling that something will happen to solve the problem. To stop thinking it is not fair. To Start doing for self and family.
This blog is my Choice – The Choice that I have taken to
start again, and to take back control of my life, and the life of my family. I hope to comment on and provide information related to those tragedies of my life (spousal alcoholism, family, rising above despair, liver disease and transplantation, inspiration, self-doubt and pity), and I hope most of all to provide you my friends peace of mind and direction to rise above those problems and to move forward.
In the end, Life is Good and is ours to live.Shareby
I have never seen you feel sorry for yourself – though you certainly are entitled. You’ve had a rough road and you’ve done some amazing things. Keep it up.
Believe me, I have felt sorry for myself, even to the point of despair. Fortunately, I have my children who I refused to stop fighting for. Children who had no hand in any personal, medical or financial situation I may find myself in. I refuse to let them take blame, feel bad about or take ownership in these problems. I am sure we have all seen children who were forced into situations where they were blamed, scolded or even hurt through no fault of there own.
Thanks very much for the comment, and I hope that my writings are able to provide you with whatever help you might need – either for yourself or for others.
Remember, we are The Choices we Make.
Im rooting for you guys.
It has been hard for me to reach out for help, but this is now my call. You have quietly rooted from the background and I really appreciate it. I am sure we will be talking more in the future
You are strong and insperational. Every time you start to feel the pressure please remember how far you have come. You have accomplished so much already. We are all impressed with how you have handled everything so far. Most people would have crumbled and given up a long time ago. I know your road is long but you have already traveled so far.
One of my favorite quotations is from the movies “The Outlaw Josie Wales”. In this movie as Josie Wales (Clint Eastwood) is running from the redlegs (union troops) he meets Lone Watie (played by Chief Dan George). During there initial meeting, Watie laments his dealings with the United States Government (Secretary of War Edwin Stanton). During these dealings Stanton encourages the American Indians to “Endeavor to Persevere”.
Watie states that after the American Indians thought about it long enough, they declared war.
Endeavoring to persevere however is exactly what I have done. Persevere in my marriage (for I married for better or for worse), with my children (to ensure their happiness), my wife (who after becoming an alcoholic and then with liver disease) needed someone on her side. You could also say that I declared war for them!
Endeavor to Persevere for those who count in your life
You are amazingly strong…. Most would’ve given up by now, regardless of marriage vows, etc. You are a shining example to your children, and that’s why they are becoming the amazing people they are! Keep fighting. Miracles do happen.
My Children are what it is about for me.
Their growing into healthy, happy and balanced adults will allow me to grow old in peace – of course, getting them to heaven is still the goal, and will require more work;-)
Thanks for all your comments – they help me to remember why I am doing this, and to keep moving forward.